They say a virus can come without warning, stay for a month, and make life miserable. That's nothing new. So can mother-in-laws.
I just came up with the world's greatest room divider: My mother-in-law at a party.

I'll tell you how poorly my kid is doing in school. We didn't get an invitation to visit his principal ---we got a subpoena!
My neighbor's son started getting into trouble at a very early age. In fact, he had to be toilet-trained by his parole officer.
I just read a book that tells you how to go to New York with $50 and live there for a month. You use the $50 to buy a gun and you rob banks.
The price of everything keeps going up. One department store is offering a PAY NOW, PAY LATER plan.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I guess I'm just not up on popular reading. I bought my sister the book Roots for Christmas. I thought it was a vegetarian cookbook.
Nowadays there are books on every subject. There's even a book for private people: 100 Places You Can Go To Meet Nobody. '
On the first of January, I always make the same resolution: To get the remainder of my Christmas cards mailed by the end of the week.
Lately it's been so cold, at the South Pole, penguins have been seen going to North Pole for the winter.
The successful politician regards the truth as an ace in the hole.
Most politicians start out to do well ---but they end up well-to-do.
My wife and I have found a simple yet effective way to stay within our food budget. It's called 'starvation'.
I married a hypochondriac. At the wedding everyone threw aspirin.
They now have a phone service especially for hypochondriacs ---Dial-A-Disease.
My girlfriend is a strict vegetarian and a lousy housekeeper. Which means I have to go through a sand trap and a water hazard to get to the greens.
I may be poor but my fingernails are in perfect shape. That's from having to scrape the bottom of the barrel.
Money is hard to get these days. I know a guy who "Went into a bank with a surefire proposition~ but he didn't get a cent. Unfortunately, his gun jammed.
I'm so broke, I can't even afford to coin a phrase.
It's so cold today, this morning on my way to work I saw a snowman hitch hiking south.
I'm not saying how cold it is, but when was the last time you heard of somebody getting chapped tonsils?
Cold? Decorators have created a new interior decorating style - modern igloo.
There's a new dance for people who are trying to keep warm. It's called the goose bump.
How about a little more truth in advertising? Just once I'd like to see a sponsor go on TV and say, "Our product is the same as it's always been for the last 25 years, but our price is New and Increased!"
I went to a party in a high rise. Talk about high. The people on the top floor and the first floor have different zip codes.
This building was tall. For kicks, some people got drunk and were dropping water balloons on 747 passengers.
Saw a cockroach wander out onto the patio wearing a parachute.
My uncle just went into business for himself. He manufactures waterproof jewelry - for status conscious mermaids.
People are superstitious about different things. For some people it's walking under a ladder, for others it's crossing the path of a black cat. With my son, I think it's washing his socks.
Last night I dreamed that (LOW RANKED FOOTBALL TEAM) was going to play in the Super Bowl. You might say I dreamed the impossible team.
(QUARTERBACK) has a great arm but a lousy memory for plays. It's so bad, before the center gives him the ball, he has to first snap him a cue card.
If you think Arizona Cardinals' quarterback Kurt Warner is good, you ought to see the roaches in my apartment do broken kitchen running.
There is no truth to the rumor that Bill Callahan was fired because he treated his players like cattle. But no one at Nebraska U. will explain why the athletic department just cancelled an order for 100 branding irons.
Pittsburgh Steelers' wide receiver Hines Ward is so tough, you could hire him to hijack a tornado... I mean, he's the only guy I know that can fry his morning eggs just by staring at them.
I was watching the game and my wife said, John, you always seem to forget about me during the Super Bowl . I said, "Now, Mary, don't you think you're exaggerating?" My wife said, "My name is SUSAN!"
I played football in college and it was a pretty rough team. Let me put it this way - after one play when the ref walked off the penalty, we started the next play in the parking lot.
I wasn't all that good at football. In fact, I was the only one that had a jersey number with a minus sign.
So I went out for the skiing team. They made me a snow boy.
(OPENING DURING A PARTICULARLY COLD DAY) Cold? I know another (MEMBER OF YOUR PROFESSION) who just froze his vasectomy off.
(LIGHT APPLAUSE) I want to thank you for that thunderous ovation. Did you ever feel like Colonel Sanders in a henhouse?